Alan's Story

No man’s land is a funny place to be but it’s where Alan often found himself with his endeavours to please the important people in his life.

Peaceful and easy-going by nature, Alan says it was his sense of humour that got him through any adversity in his life.

While longevity runs in the family (Alan’s father is just a few years shy of 100), Alan sadly lost his older son in a car versus truck accident. He was just 20 years old.

“He was quite an angry man,” Alan remembers, “He could get aggressive. I always felt a bit intimidated by him.”

Alan, who loves his late son, said he would sometimes get triggered because his own strict upbringing would put him at odds with his Dad too.   

Alan’s father served in the British army and is an explorer of sorts having been to the North Pole, Himalayas and the Amazon.

“He’s still got his driver’s license and can drive a tank on it,” Alan laughs.

Alan’s younger son lives on their 4.5 hectare farm but lives a less conventional life.

“My dad thinks we spoil him too much. I have to say to him, we have indulged him because when you lose one son, that’s all we’ve got left,” he says.

“My wife cried every night for months and months while my younger son spent years trying to find himself.”

Alan says he held off grieving because he wanted to support his family.

The result is Alan struggled with depression. Something his surviving son recognised. Finding Essentially Men online, the pair signed up together for a Men Being Real weekend.

For Alan, the weekend revolutionised his thinking.

“We all assume that we have these issues that no one else has got. People are managing and coping and, therefore, I’m a failure and inadequate.”

What really struck him was those who attended the weekend came from all walks of life.

“We all had something going on,” Alan says, “It changed my thinking about men. We’ve always been told not to show our emotions and to just be staunch and strong.”

Alan says, thanks to his son, he’s found a place he belongs and not be judged.

“That’s important,” he says, “I was meandering around a bit – not landing on anything in particular. Going through the motions. I needed more meaning and purpose and (being a part of the Essentially Men network) has given me that focus.”

The grief remains but Alan is doing a lot better. In his garden there is a memorial seat with a pair of his late son’s shoes on it. It overlooks a lake.

“It’s a place where my family can remember.”