Dan's Story

On first impressions, Dan, an easy-going and successful sales manager, may appear to have the world at his feet but, like many in life, he’s felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Born in Taranaki and growing up in Christchurch, Dan struggled with his identity. Dan’s mother was of Māori descent while his father was Scottish.

“I grew up in a space I felt disconnected to and I felt disconnected to who I was,” Dan says, “I didn’t belong in any world, Māori or otherwise.”

Dan says education “wasn’t really my thing” but his whānau, including his two esteemed nanas, helped him get through. School was also where Dan met his childhood sweetheart Michelle. The couple, married for 23 years, have three children, Joshua, Tyler and Maia.

“When you don’t feel like you belong, and you’re kind of untethered, Michelle’s been that rock to tether me.”

Sadly, tragedy would hit Dan’s whānau around the time COVID hit the world.

Dan’s younger brother Tahu was diagnosed with brain cancer at just 32 years of age.

“Tahu was my biggest cheerleader in life. The guy I could call on. He was just there for you.”

Cancer robbed Tahu of everything: his speech, his mobility, eventually his life.

Then Dan’s second best mate, his cousin Haweturi “Hawe”, was also diagnosed. Hawe got bone cancer in the shoulder which rapidly spread.

“He succumbed quicker. He was a beautiful dad and husband. Just a beautiful man.”

On the week that Tahu passed, Dan and Michelle were sadly dealt the cruellest blow of all.

“Joshie woke with a sore shoulder. An MRI found two fistful-sized tumours. Suddenly our boy was slammed with 200 days of chemo at just 10 years of age.”

“I was this dad that could fix things and I couldn’t fix a thing. It took me back to the days when I struggled with my identity and belonging.”

Dan says that it was a special sponsorship by the Child Cancer Foundation to attend a Men Being Real workshop that transformed his life.

“They know the pain dads go through. We don’t want to get angry or cry. We just ‘switch off.’”

“I didn’t want to show weakness. That weekend I cried. This safe space has a special way of doing that. There were men supporting me and helping me through that.”

Dan says he hadn’t cried since his little brother’s world had fallen apart.

“I told him, ‘We’re going to get through this bro.’”

Dan says he can tap into his feelings now.

“Giving myself permission to do that, makes me a better husband. Because I’m more aware of my feelings, I feel more comfortable to create the space for us both to express our feelings and not shut things down. Michelle now calls me her rock.”

“Vulnerability is strength. I realise that the masks I wear can create versions of me that don’t serve me.”

Josh is in remission and Dan actively supports other men in the network as well.