James's Story

James was always putting out fires. A successful businessman, husband, father and career firefighter, he’s faced his fair share of challenges. Yet he realised fighting wasn’t serving him well.

“My weeknights were spent fighting others through engaging in martial arts. That was my release,” James says, “A psychologist said to me, ‘It’s not healthy. You live your life fighting. You are telling me you think it’s good for you and I’m telling you, as a professional, it’s not good for you. You need people, you need company and to connect with men on a different level.’”

This was a turning point for James who is about to celebrate 10 years of marriage to his wife Holly as well as 10 years as a firefighter.

“Firefighting’s not for everyone,” he says, “If you can’t handle the heat, then it’s probably not for you but a younger version of me thought, ‘Well it’s a job that I’m physically and mentally able to do and I can give back to the community.’”

At the same time he joined the service, James started a beekeeping and natural products company. He now owns a company that’s New Zealand’s biggest supplier of tattoo aftercare product using the medicinal properties of Manuka. The company exports to Australia, the US and Japan.

Proud parents of Cleo and Logan, very few people knew Holly and James were struggling much closer to home.

“Our wonderful, beautiful, incredible girl came into the world like a bull in a china shop!

Cleo was born prematurely, and Holly suffered a brain haemorrhage. She almost died!”

James says, while business was booming, “it was a very dark and tough time.”

Cleo would spend a month in ICU and Holly, barely able to speak or breathe, was unable to breastfeed.

“I literally spent the first month of Cleo’s life keeping her alive, feeding her formula off my finger.”

Thankfully, Holly would recover yet Cleo’s health struggles are ongoing. She was in and out of hospital every two weeks for five years. Although Cleo still has complex medical needs, the couple are grateful their daughter’s wellbeing is improving.

On top of everything, James suffered mild PTSD when he attended an incident where a young boy was murdered by a family member, whilst on duty. “We were first on scene. He was rushed to hospital and then passed away two days later.”

All this put an incredible strain on the couple’s marriage. It was James’ psychologist who recommended he attend a Men Being Real weekend.

“I met men there who were on their last warning in relationships, who were broken, who were full of regret or who were simply drowning in what life was throwing at them. I was so taken by it, and I felt I could be any one of these men.”

James realised he wasn’t alone.

“Here was this rare opportunity to relax and let my guard down… no fighting needed. There was no threat to me other than myself. I could be heard and seen without judgement.”

“I feel lighter now and we still meet on a fortnightly basis.”

James says he is a better man, father and husband and life isn’t just about fighting now.

“I believe any man in New Zealand who is struggling to be seen or heard, or who is fighting his own demons in the darkness, should reach out to Essentially Men. It will change your life.”