Lives of Quiet Desperation (Andrew Yelverton)

Thoreau’s observation that ‘the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation’ resonates with me as I suspect it does for many New Zealand men.

From a young age, our boys are taught not to cry and when things get tough, we are told to ‘harden up’ or ‘get over it’. Our culture rewards competitive behavior in men whilst men talking about their feelings is viewed as a sign of weakness. These stereotypical behaviors are now recognised as being incredibly damaging to generations of New Zealand men and their families.

The good news is that there is a growing awareness that this traditional model of masculinity is broken and an increasing number of men are exploring what it is to be a man in today’s society. They are hungry to break their emotional isolation and engage in deeper, more authentic relationships.

But many don’t know where or how to start and many are fearful of taking that first step. After all, it takes courage for a man to admit that he is struggling with life and it is deeply ingrained in our culture that men don’t ask for help.

I was in this position about 15 years ago. At that time, I was seeing a counsellor who suggested I attend a Men Being Real weekend workshop offered by Essentially Men, a charitable trust whose mission is to promote positive social change for men through a range of educational programmes.

The weekend turned out to be a powerful transformative experience for me. Something powerful occurs when men lay down their metaphorical armor and share with each other their stories and experiences. I was surprised at the common threads that wove in and out of our lives and relieved to understand that I was not alone in my own fears, struggles and insecurities. This insight is something that cannot be gained from a self-help book or a one-on-one conversation. It simply has to be experienced.

The Men Being Real workshops are run in Auckland on a quarterly basis and once a year in Wellington.

If the Men Being Real programme sound interesting to you, visit Essentially Men’s website: essentiallymen.net or by call (09) 376 2386 for further information.

Andrew Yelverton serves on the Essentially Men board of trustees and is a regular volunteer for the Men Being Real programme.